More Throat Cancer...

[Hermskii]

As if it wasn't bad enough to hear that Kelly suddenly had to suffer through a very serious round of this disease recently, I now have another friend who I just found out suffered nearly the same thing but not as bad as Kelly's case.

He can'r speak and I won't see him until tonight or tomorrow but he just finished a second hospital stay due to other things. I can't imagine the fear this causes but I know it has to be off the chart. My friend sounded devastated in the text he finally just sent me about it. I'm glad Kelly came forward as soon as he new about his situation. I wish my other friend would have been as open but I understand too why someone might not expose their situation.

I just wanted to get that off my chest. I prefer to know sooner than later. That way the prayers can start sooner AND any additional support can possibly happen too to let that person know they are not alone and they are loved.

[EvilGrins]

Sorry to hear.

[Hook]

Sorry to hear.

Ditto, yes this is horrible.
I am still praying for Kelly - and for your friend now.
Let us know how he is.

BTW, Kelly has been MIA lately - again.
Haven't seen him online for a spell.

[Hermskii]

He is around. I see him here and there.

[Kelly]

You are welcome to share my phone # with your buddy. He's going to need someone to talk to whether he wants to or not. There are things he needs to know, especially if he is married or in a long-term relationship.

I've been out of most all the forums for a while now. I was dinking around a bit with Unreal coop at Old Unreal but there is almost no reason to have a server any longer. I never see more than 5-7 global players on at any given time so most of my effort was getting my coop server where I wanted it so I could finally play all those SP maps. Well, I did and now that is done. Kind of a letdown too. I waited to play all those until I had a solid and stable platform and now that it's there the maps just weren't that exciting. It certainly did not age well compared to newer games.

Personally I'm not doing very well. I didn't unfriend anyone but I did delete my Facebook account. It's depressing to look at my pictures, I just look all gaunt and old and used up. I made it five months post-treatment but it looks like my cancer has returned. I saw my chemo doctor today and we discussed options. The big appointment will be next week when I see my surgeon. The tumor returned at the exact same spot so more surgery will be varying degrees of bad. He told me that anything more that I have done is considered "disfiguring" since all 'extra' tissue has already been harvested from my neck. Whatever they remove leaves holes basically.

It's pretty close to the time when I'll be gone for good from replying. I have a stellar battle shaping up for me and I'm not in a good way right now. I can't stop losing weight and it's to the point now that it's dangerous. Instead of gaining a few needed pounds to go into treatment again with I lost 4 more in the past 3 weeks. That's a total that's pretty close to 115 pounds lost since Halloween. If you ever webcammed with me we ought to try it again. I'll bet you'll 'ship your pants' when you see what I look like now.

I have no real illusions about the outcome. You go through this sort of thing and you become acutely aware of the situation and where things will probably go. I have doubts about being able to finish another round of chemo and in fact the wife and I have been discussing returning to Kentucky so she can be around family if this goes south in a hurry.

So anyway it's not goodbye but it's pretty close. I hope you don't mind my being so personal but I know we all deep-down care about the welfare of each other. We all fight and "Expletive Deleted" and bicker about stuff but in the end I don't wish bad on anyone (even KAAL ) and I don't think anyone wants what is happening to me to really be happening. OK, maybe there are a couple that might, but trust me it's worse than even you'd want it to be. It's slow, painful, and you lose ground by inches no matter how hard you fight.

Anyway guys, peace and goodwill. If I don't chat you again enjoy your summer and I'll see you down the path.

[Hermskii]

Crap Kelly...

First about my friend. He is a dumbass. He smoked with me forever and he smoked longer being several years older than me. He is gay and whores around like only gay people can. He works two jobs and works too hard at both. He is his mothers son. He'd understand that as sure as I understand I am my mothers son. You'd have to know us and our mothers to understand. I met my wife through him being she was one of his best friends and so was I. She and I finally bumped into each other one time and it was a done deal. We got married. He is one of my best friends in the whole world and I hate to hear anything bad go his way since he is one of the best people I have ever met. He too is in a state between the last detection and the next. He had all his surgery this last April.

I talked to him today for a moment and could not make out anything he said. We were reduced to me asking him yes and no questions since I could understand those responses. He has no insurance. I don't know what to do with him except love and comfort him as best I can. Right now he is supposed to be in the clear and getting better. We'll see...

About you now Kelly:

You are certainly one of the smartest, stubbornest, creative and most complex people folks I have ever had the genuine pleasure of knowing. I know lots if not most of your relationship statuses across the UT world. I'm usually half a year to a year ahead of you in guessing what you are going to do next. This new finding about your cancer throws a wrench in it for me about your near future. I know that all material things will lose significance for you over time and your family's needs will prevail and you will make every single right decision for them.

Screw all of the UT stuff when you're ready too. Work with it while it gives you comfort. My aunt showed up with a special book a funeral home gave to her of common questions people wish they would have asked and forgot to or were too scared to. She asked my mother the questions and my Mom answered lots and refused to answer many others. I have been able to see the questions and answers and it told me a lot about my mother that I never knew. I hope I will be smart enough to make a goodbye video and even more important goodbye notes to my kids about little things in life that I hope they do after I'm gone. I want to deliver apologies to them in my own voice for passing sooner than they or I may have expected. My Mom thought she was good to go for 5 to 10 more years and then died almost 3 months later.

Keep on expressing yourself Kelly no matter what you say. Good or bad. Mean or kind. Poor it out all around you to everyone all of the time and hear too if you decide to.

My health has changed as well. I'm not sure what is wrong yet but I'm pretty sure something is. I'll be going for a full round of tests pretty soon. I'm only 46 and walk like a broken old man all of the sudden. People say I have a limp even. I've gained a unhealthy amount of weight and have abnormal bodily pain sometimes. I still look great I think except for the fat but if I keep breaking down at the rate I have over the last 2 years I won't make it too long. I'll be sure to post all about it whenever I know what is wrong and I'll continue to pray for you and myself that we either we heal or go into the night as peacefully as possible for ourselves, family and friends. Until then....FIGHT IT! I'm going to.

Peace out!

[EvilGrins]

Sorry to hear, man. Still, hopeless optimist that I am, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

If you'll excuse this brief attempt to illicit a grin from you:

I'll bet you'll 'ship your pants' when you see what I look like now.

Where should I ship them?

For that matter, why do you want me to 'ship' my pants to you?

WE DO NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP!

He is gay and whores around like only gay people can.

Not cool, Herm. Not cool at all. Also inaccurate, as I've whored myself out to such an extent that no one, of any sexual preference, could compare.

Thus why I'm usually in such a good mood.

[Hermskii]

You haven't met my friend. He is the King of whores. He whored himself out so much that he became so happy that he is GAY. Yes. He is happy and GAY. Are you going to meet or beat that status? The end.

[Dr.Flay]

Oh crud, living under that shadow has got to be such a grind.

I know we're all miles apart, and internet buddies are not quite the same as your home-crew, but know this.
You just made a bunch of grown men cry.

I hate typing with tears in my eyes.

Have you had your blood tested to see if you are rejecting certain foods ? (that is to both of you)
I'll quote a chunk from a nutritionist "Julie Daniluk"

...If you haven't experienced any symptoms of inflammation or disease, then you could be one of those lucky people who do very well with a wide variety of foods.

If you are experiencing some symptoms you may want to consider intolerance blood testing to rule out possible inflammatory foods.

Intolerance blood testing can be done through Gemoscan http://www.hemocode.com/ or Doctors Data http://www.doctorsdata.com

Testing your blood will determine which foods you have built antibodies to. This is the same technology that they use to determine if a transplant recipient would accept or reject a donated organ.

It can give you a very clear starting point to formulate your own personalized diet. Once you have removed your intolerances and allergies, you body has a chance to heal.

From my own personal world;
A friend of mine wanted to put weight on (actually his dad wanted him to put weight on), so he had one of those dieters shakes (Slim-fast, or something like that) they have instead of a meal, but with every meal as a drink.
He managed to almost double his daily nutrition and calories without any effort.
And he managed to gain weight fairly quickly.
It may be worth talking to the Doc about how to hide some extra food in your food (not you Herm).

You both need to cut starch, gluten and lactose to a minimum (or completely) if you want your metabolism to speed up.
Don't worry so much about the fat content of milk-based dairy, as it turns out the calcium bonds with the fat, and most of it comes out in our poo (watched a fascinating study on food, done with an army squad. Scientists don't often get such a controllable bunch of humans, so they made full use of them !).
I actually drink "lacto-free" full-fat cows milk.

Another thing to bare in mind is sugar. Try and swap Sucrose for Glucose and Fructose.
The body has to waste energy to convert Sucrose into Glucose.
The delayed peak then trough, is what Americans refer to as a sugar-rush and crash.
Honey is a great alternative if you can find something not blended. Some of the really smooth ones can sweeten tea or coffee, without adding a tangy taste.
You can start burning the energy from honey or Glucose immediately (that's why Glucose is in Saline-drips, energy drinks, army ration-packs and life-boat survival packs).

My brother informs me, he discovered when he was in America that the milk is pre-sweetened, this is something people may want to look into, if they buy "standardised" low-fat milk.
There are extras in many foods you would not expect, so it can be real hard to avoid things where you think it should be safe.


BTW. I have tried to connect to your CoOp server a few times but it never let me in

I think we are all clear how grim your outlook is, but don't you dare cave-in.
Will you please thank your wife on behalf of us (people you have never met), and she can give you a hug from us by proxy.
We are aware how strong she needs to be for you, yet how fragile and helpless she feels.

Kelly, if I were stood next to you, this is what I would like to say;
There's a bunch of people out there, that really like you for some reason.
There's even a few who think you are a hero.
You have touched many lives you have never met.
And the ones who can see though your grumpyness, also see the loving caring sharing man your wife married.
No matter what, you have left quite an impression on the world even before it's time to go.
I don't think they are ready to let you go just yet, so 1 day at a time keep fighting for another tomorrow.

See you tomorrow

[Nelsona]

I'm sorry to hear this, Kelly. Also for your friend, Herm, I think he noticed his situation and maybe he don't want to change anything (ashamed or too proud to admit the truth), is too adicted at what is doing so I think he is agree to pay any price. Maybe I'm wrong but this is what I think.

UT ? Coop ? I don't know if this is 1st priority in these moments, Kelly. I'm blocked at reading these news. But... now I understood why some dudes never wanted their maps to be ON-LINE, Network play might alter action from map making people to spoke about them as being trash. Coop needs years of work. I played (started play) local one and I noticed difference between Off-Line and On-Line (in your Coop server). When I saw it starting different I could see what's mean playing a level in a different environment - is not the same - of course has issues (pathing, settings, etc) but local works different.

Outside of UT. You need to take care at your health as much as you can... if you can. If cancer returned that's not good at all. What said the doctor ? This is too scarry for me.

[Hook]

Now, I am going to be praying way more - way more even than I have been for you Kelly and your family.
I am so sorry to hear this, it has just devastated me these last few days and I cannot think of much else.

Kelly, we are pulling for you - PLEASE keep trying to beat that cancer!!!
I will NOT stop my efforts for you my good old friend.

[Kelly]

Flay, just as a way of explaining I'll share some things I don't know that I've ever spoken of publicly. A little over 10 years ago I had a form of gastric bypass surgery to deal with some intestinal problems I was having. Although the reasons were vastly different than what a normal fat guy would have for getting that type of surgery (mine had to do with damaged sections of my digestive tract) the result was very much the same: I lost a ton of weight because of it. Over the years I adapted to the surgery and even gained a good chunk of my previous weight back. It never bothered me to be a heavy guy, in fact eating was my biggest vice and I enjoyed it vigorously. I walk a lot every day so I was a pretty healthy fattie, even at 280(ish) pounds. Good blood pressure, labs always were fine, etc.

Keep that in mind, I'm coming back to it in a moment.

The treatment I just went through is a singular and considered 'lifetime' dose of radiation to my neck. There are some long term complications and risks because it's such a massive hit. for instance you will likely lose your teeth, something I'm currently experiencing. The rads break down the enamel in your teeth and hurt the roots (same principle as losing your hair because of the rads) and your teeth just, well, break up. It's not uncommon for me to find little tooth bits in my food as I chew and I have 5 or so major holes in my teeth right now. On the plus side the damaged roots mean not a lot of pain is involved. Eventually I'll just get my teeth removed (something I knew was coming at some point) but my dental surgeon wants to wait as long as physically possible. You see once you get this type of radiation it badly weakens your jaw and makes it not heal correctly. Any teeth I get removed now runs a good probability of causing jawbone problems. It's one of the mistakes I made pre-treatment, not getting all my teeth taken out ahead of time. I was just in a hurry though. I was already stage IV and I wanted those damn tumors out of me. Now I run the risk of having the same surgeries as Roger Ebert and looking like he did (yay).

Also the rads I got did a real working-over of my connective tissues in my neck and jaw. I can't open my mouth more that about the width of a finger and a half (most people can open it about 4 finger widths) because the ligaments all tighten in response to the rads. It's hard as hell to chew and my jaw muscles are not strong. Oh, and I make almost no spit too, which surprisingly is the most aggravating part. I keep bottled water everywhere and sip constantly. AND my tongue doesn't work well, mostly because the back of my throat was removed and it has nothing to push back against. When I swallow my food pretty much drops as much as anything and thick foods like beef get easily lodged and I can choke or aspirate (a constant worry, I never eat alone now).

All this crap bundled together is what's giving me the hardest time. I can't eat high-calorie, sugary, or high-fat foods because of the bypass surgery. If you do then you get a syndrome called dumping http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastric_dumping_syndrome and it's VERY unpleasant. Because of the rads I can't chew well so most of my food needs to be soft or processed with a blender. It can't be salty either, that burns the crap out of my throat even now, so that excludes the entire soup section at the market. You think I'm kidding here? Next time you stand in the soup aisle try to find a single can that's not bathed in salt. I was shocked to be unable to buy a single one. I have to make my own and freeze it into portions. Oh and to add insult to injury my taste is all sorts of screwed up. Sweet stuff tastes like clay and greasy stuff tastes absolutely wonderful. I'm not joking, I could eat bacon grease like soup stock lol, it's that good to me. Lastly, the chemo took away any real appetite and I just don't get hungry now. Ever.

That's why it's so hard for me now to stop losing weight. I'm severely restricted in what I can get down/tolerate. I'm still losing a couple of pounds a week but I do eat and I know I just can't spare much more. The doctors yell at me every trip too because I need to be putting some fluff on to combat this next round of treatments. Ugh.

Personal crap aside I'm sorry you have problems connecting to my coop. You need to use Unreal (not UT) and you'll have to be patched to the latest 227 build. Some of the things I used were specific to that. Let me know if it continues to not work for you and I'll see if it's something on the server end. Other people do play on it though so I know it works.

[Hermskii]

There's a bunch of people out there, that really like you for some reason.
There's even a few who think you are a hero.
You have touched many lives you have never met.
And the ones who can see though your grumpyness, also see the loving caring sharing man your wife married.
No matter what, you have left quite an impression on the world even before it's time to go.
I don't think they are ready to let you go just yet, so 1 day at a time keep fighting for another tomorrow.

See you tomorrow

Wow! That almost said it all right there Dr. Flay! Thanks for putting that into words. I feel that way for sure!